Coming Home

Finally, this morning I wake up for my own weekday-before-work morning. These past weeks I’ve been waking up at 6am to work on side jobs because I found out after 5pm I’m basically brain-out. But this morning is mine; can’t say the same about the rest of the week. But it means I’m going to be so busy, 10 days will go flying by as 5. So I’m taking this hour to just write. I’m not into writing sad things, so I won’t write at all about some things. But all in all time is passing, and soon I’ll be in my real home.

I feel very lucky, because most people spend their live finding a place to fit in, a place to call home. Ever since I was a little girl, I dreamed of Europe while reading the only books I had back then, a set of encyclopedias for school work. Yes, a time without internet that most people seem to have forgotten. I would write poetry at 8, read the encyclopedia with history, geography, biology, geology and much more, and I would draw thinking I could become like the man named Da’ Vinci I would read in those big black books. I would often be around the patio imagining my adventures in a medieval land. Back then, Europe for me was just England and Ireland. But I somehow knew that is where I should end up at. I pushed that little dream of mine aside when I started to grow up. When I became aware of financial situations, and how my goal would be to get all A’s in school, get into the best University and work to help my parents pay bills. Nothing else really went through my mind. Not even saving up for a big adventure in the old world. At around 13 I stop thinking in negative ways. I decided to conquer my nightmares, stop gossiping like everyone else, and focus on just being happy and showing people that you can be happy regardless of what goes on around you. I began a spiritual journey to find that which sounded like MY truth, and no one else’s. I wrote a lot, endless journal pages. I lived day by day, staying true to myself, except that prom night when I joined the party I didn’t enjoy. Since that night, I decided to stop pretending to fit in and just find my place. And I knew deep in my heart I would do so.

Years passed by and after a few set of miracles as I like to call then, I am in a new land, a strange yet cozy home-like new land with a language I could barely comprehend and food I needed to learn to try. The first breath I took of its cold air when I got outside the airport reminded me of my carefree childhood days; I felt home, that cold wet air smell of January, felt home. Something which my host mom apologized for as being “not the pretties’ days in Holland”, indeed they were the coldest I’ve experienced so far. But little did she know, that that cold grey wet foggy day, is something I will never forget as the day I found where I belong. The cold on my skin, the burn on my eyes, the smell of the air, I remember it all as clear as today. In ten days I return, this time to stay, where I belong, with whom I belong. Long time I stopped caring to fit in, people called me weird, but in the end, I am blessed to say I found home. I am happy, I was happy and I will continue to be happy. This is my gift to life, for giving me so much.

 

10 Days ♥

Por esos días por venir…

 

I’ve grown up with Thalía, and she still looks as young and beautiful as when I was 7 years old. But just because I feel like it, I am posting this song and translating it (because I kind of enjoy translating songs). Brindis, means “toast”, as with whine. And this song is about a toast for the life we’ve lived and the wonderful days to come. As my days pass by, a new life will begin and this is a toast, my toast, for the days I am leaving behind, and the days I will welcome with open arms.

 

Spanish Lyrics: Seguir siguiendo al corazón y coquetear con la intuición seguir creciendo y esquivando las rutinas seguir soñando en un rincón seguir creyendo que hay un Dios que me endereza de un tirón la puntería es que siempre voy detrás de lo que siento cada tanto muero y aquí estoy... Tantos desiertos que crucé tantos atajos esquivé tantas batallas que pintaron mis heridas tantos incendios provoqué tantos fracasos me probé que no me explico como canto todavía y es que siempre voy detrás de lo que siento cada tanto muero y aquí estoy... Por esos días por venir por este brindis para mí por regalarle a la intuición el alma mía porque los días se nos van quiero cantar hasta el final por otra noche como éstas, por mi vida Tantos festejos resigné tantos amigos extrañé tantos domingos muy lejos de mi familia tantas almohadas conocí tantas canciones me aprendí que los recuerdos me parecen de otras vidas siempre voy detrás de lo que siento cada tanto muero pero no... Por esos días por venir por este brindis para mí por regalarle a la intuición el alma mía porque los días se nos van quiero cantar hasta el final por otra noche como éstas, por mi vida Por esos días por venir por este brindis para mí por regalarle a la intuición el alma mía porque los días se nos van quiero cantar hasta el final por otra noche como éstas, por mi vida Y en esas noches de luna donde los recuerdos son puñal me abrazo a mi guitarra y canto fuerte mis plegarias y algo pasa, pero ya nada me hace llorar Yo me abrazo a mi guitarra y canto fuerte mis plegarias y algo pasa, pero ya nada me hace llorar

English Translation: to continue following the heart and flirt with intuition. to continue growing and evading routines, to continue dreaming in a corner to continue to believe there is a God who straighten with a pull my aim. And I always go after what I feel, every time I die and here I am... So many desserts I've crossed, so many shortcuts I evaded, so many battles that painted my wounds, so many fires I started, so many failures I've tried that I have no idea why I'm still able to sing, And I always go after what I feel, every time I die and here I am... For those days to come, for this toast for me, for gifting to intuition my own soul, Because our days drift away I want to sing until the end for another night like this, for my life So many celebrations I declined, so many friends I missed, so many Sundays far away from my family. So many pillows I met, so many songs I learned, that even my memories feel like other lives I always go after what I feel, every time I die but no... For those days to come, for this toast for me, for gifting to intuition my own soul, Because our days drift away I want to sing until the end for another night like this, for my life For those days to come, for this toast for me, for gifting to intuition my own soul, Because our days drift away I want to sing until the end for another night like this, for my life And on those moonlight nights where memories are like a knife, I embrace with my guitar and I sing loudly my prayers and something happens, but nothing else makes me cry anymore I embrace with my guitar and I sing loudly my prayers and something happens, but nothing else makes me cry anymore

 

Music is very important to me. So I guess I will post also about music I listen to when I don’t know what to write about. :)

EARTH, our real mother

Is Earth Day. And what other beautiful day to celebrate life! I mean, even if you are christian or whatever and think God is over Earth, you have to at least admit that Earth is pretty awesome and deserve some respect if not most. As without all it's gifts we wouldn't be here. I am of those who believe Earth is alive, and yes, just like any human being, she deserves a capital letter on her name. I do believe Earth is a being who carries us through life, offering us the best she can. Who cries when we forsake her and angers when we misbehave. She is alive, she is the most magnificent being we have the pleasure to know yet in waking life. She breaths, she eats, she speaks her own language, she gives birth and she deserves the same respect any human and living being deserves. In fact, she deserves it the most.

Today, here, Earth is giving us some splash of fresh rain. So no sunny Sunday to run around, but the sound of the rain falling loud. Which I love just as much as the sun on my skin. Did you know that some countries posses official treaties stating Earth's rights? I like this idea, but what I don't like is the need we feel to have to set in paper something that must be common sense for us. That so many ignore this unless is it officially written. How some don't care about how they harm their world unless a paper state to them it is forbidden. It is a bit bothering. But I guess it is also a sort of voice towards the rest of the world, to create consciousness. Among those rights, everyone should know by heart, even if they follow the law or not, because they should be innate, here are some I like:

• the right to maintain the integrity of life and natural processes
• the right to not have cellular structure modified or genetically altered
• the right to continue vital cycles and processes free from human alteration
• the right to pure water
• the right to clean air
• the right to balance, to be at equilibrium
• the right to be free of toxic and radioactive pollution
• the right to not be affected by mega-infrastructure and development projects that affect the balance of ecosystems and the local inhabitant communities

I was trying to find more from when I read an article back in 2009 but it seems to be lost in time. In any case, Hurray for Mother Earth! And may she bless you with a bountiful life of joy! 

I Love the Night

I am reading this book on Astral Projection, by Oliver Fox, from 1938. And this excerpt is my favorite description yet, which shows perfectly how I look forward every day towards every night.

"Though not indifferent to the charms of Day, her dark sister Night was dearer far to me. Day's appeal was more a surface stimulation of the five senses; but Night pierced deep and reached perhaps a sixth. I was enthralled by the moon and the stars and the mystery of that mighty dome. Sometimes in the winter this longing for Night would triumph over my love of comfort. In obedience to her strange call I felt impelled to leave the cozy fire and my stamps, and ramble over the lonely common beneath the wondrous stars. And sometimes I would mount a ladder, reared against the old Roman wall which bounded one side of our garden, and sit half-frozen, gazing at the splendid moon. Yes, I loved Night,and was she not queen of that enchanted place the Kingdom of Dreams?"

From: Astral Projection by Oliver Fox

Dreams are my Reality

Every time I close my eyes, my mind opens to endless adventures and opportunities. Life in dreams is much richer than waking life. Life in dreams is bright, endless and wonderfully fun. Every day I look forward to going to sleep, awaiting my next adventure, my next meaningful dream. My decisions, my hopes, my love, my spirit, are all fueled by my dreams. My one source of guidance and inspiration. My dreams who speak to me, in symbols, songs, paintings and nightmares. They give me courage, they give me hope and strength. They make me feel safe, that somehow, beyond this waking life full of organized chaos and challenges, there is a world where our spirits go to rest and we swim in a fresh new river we create.

I believe in dreams. I believe dreams are as real as you and me. I believe we never really sleep. Seldom the times our minds are too tired to even dream. In our dreams we play out possible futures. In our dreams we create possible problems and solutions, we prepare to react. In our dreams we find answers we seek, solutions that elude us, and inspiration we can't find in waking life. In our dreams we become more than humans, more than a shell with cells and electrons. We become this unique conscious manifestation exploring endless realms and realities.

 I believe in dreams. I believe I meet people in dreams and connect. It was a hug in a dream that led me to where I am. It was a thousand animals from forests and jungles singing over a falling building and a growing tree that gave me the strength and confidence I needed to be where I am, to be with who I am. It were those voices and speeches on love up in heaven during night that made me believe love is worth finding, true love, worth understanding. That it goes beyond the human heart, the human mind, that it goes as far as a soul connected somewhere else and it never stop.

A dream where I felt helpless and woken up to two beautiful big golden figures calming me with their warmth light, teaching me to pray and believe. It were many dreams where I learned to fly, falling at first, and a few nights later learning to master flight. Where I felt the true feeling of flying, free, across vast forest and wonderful colorful skies. A dream where my grandmother told me, I was just like her, and I should never stop believing in who I am, a few days after she died. It was when thousands died that I dreamed about big waves and endless seas, a week before it happened.

When I dreamed that night, after loosing hope, of a date that turned out true, I regained hope. I have dreams of rainbow stones, more beautiful that any that could ever exist in this realm. Of beautiful pink crystals growing like flowers all around the floors. In dreams I swim and play with dolphins even though I am still learning to not fear water in dreams. I meet unicorns dancing among island just being born, filled with amazement to the beauty I can see. I see angels, I see aliens, I see stars up close, planets and spaceships; I dance with monkeys, I play with giant legos, I eat wonderful meals and visit the most beautiful temples. I have seen the afterlife, and been denied a pass because it's not my time. Been bathed in a beautiful warm spring by fairies with long green arms. I've seen golden rain, and beautiful magical rivers with colorful birds. I've own a thousand houses with thousand of rooms, some wonderful, some horribly hunted, all incredibly rich and making me increasingly curious about another.

I still have to see a beautiful dream garden, I still have to see the bottom of the ocean without being afraid. I also still need to be able to do as I please and not be forced to follow. But I conquered my nightmares, I have found answers I seek, inspiration I needed and hope I wanted. I met my love. I met beautiful beings from above. I owned a beautiful red dress and long brown curls. I have lived all I want. In my dreams, I have it all, I need nothing at all.

When I close my eyes, my world become much more than just a walking dream. More than just eat, work and sleep. More than just following social rules that sometimes don't even make sense. When I close my eyes, I find who I really am, standing on the middle of the street, with a bright blue coat, and a golden light around my hands.

Dreams are my reality...

♥

Selective Mutism

I remember when I was in school, I was always the quiet one. Always quiet expect with those my age. I wouldn't even speak to a teacher unless I was comfortable enough with an answer. But never ask. I only answered and write. I didn't really knew I had to ask until I was much older. I learned everything by listening or reading. I would talk with a few friends, but to adults, I was mute, simply mute. I never spoke to adults, I barely spoke to my own grandmother. I always found it hard to pronounce a single word. As I grew up, I became more talkative in high school thanks to two girls who became great friends. They actually came to my own house, to meet me, they weren't in my same school. They knew about me through my brother who was friend with both of their brothers. I remember still standng on front of them in outside in silence. Plenty of words and questions in my mind, none would come out. I was anxious, I was muted. They smiled shyly and said Hi, then said "well, see you", with barely any words in between. We would laugh years later about that awkward moment. I felt I had a problem then. But I didn't do anything about it. They tried again, and again, I opened up, and eventually they would say I wouldn't shut up. Having them was a big step for me, before them I had no friends.

Thanks to them I managed to be more open and talk with those my age. I was more open in class and less shy. Except with boys. I was still shy with boys. After graduating I entered University. I forced myself to open up. I eventually made friends. I would talk normally with my professors. I would raise my hand and ask questions even if later I would find them stupid. But only with my professors, and only with two of them. My fear of saying something stupid in class came due to some jokes about some silly things I said and one insult from a gym teacher. Even though I was being more open with those I would see often, those I didn't, I would still feel the familiar knot on my throat.

Eventually I found myself forced to acknowledged this problem, both with older people than me and young kids. During my first times in the Netherlands this was something no one really understood how hard it was for me. I couldn't really explain them why it was so hard, because for them, a country that really foment social interaction, my anxiety was just weird and childish. I cried many times feeling ashamed and bad about losing an opportunity to talk to someone. I would cry whenever I was asked to make an effort... as I was making an effort, but it took time and a lot of courage. And even after leaving, I still had to deal with my problem, and I went back and deal with it more. Eventually I found myself talking freely to strangers older than me. I felt proud and would text right away my boyfriend whenever I would engaged in a casual "how are you" conversation with a stranger. I felt proud also the first time I did it myself as an initiative. I still deal with it as I don't really manage to do so without a reason. But I am slowly getting there. My boyfriend always encourage me to talk to strangers more often, and for this I am very grateful. I still regret the good relationships I could have made if only I would initiate a conversation more. I remember the first time I said "I'm fine and how are you," I struggled for what seemed an eternity to get it out of my throat. I was forcing myself to it, thinking on how proud he would be. 

I now call on the phone without thinking about it for hours or feeling anxious about even dialing. I now can communicate more effectively with those around me, expressing my needs and asking questions no matter how silly they might be. But I am still dealing with my problem, as I still can't seem to come up with all the proper questions to a conversation in order to show the interest I DO have towards people. I am very curious by nature, I would ask thousands of questions if I could, but one step at a time. Also, I am still dealing to be able to talk to kids. I still can't get myself to it, but I try and I manage some words, and I force myself to ask questions like "how was school", something I learned to do with the help of my host mom when I was in Amsterdam. I still remember our argument and she asking me why I never ask such simple things to the kids. I couldn't answer, I had no answer, I just couldn't, I would be out of breath trying. I still struggle. But I know this is my problem, I know I need to fix it and I am trying, rewarding myself every time I accomplish something.

Today I went to the lawyer's office, to get an official statement to apply for my visa in NL. I am not sure if it was cause he was young, or he was talkative, or because he has been to Amsterdam before, but I managed to talk normally, like my mom would do whenever she needed to see an office. And I still notice when I am able to do this, and I still reward myself for it. I just hope, one day it will come out naturally, without me even trying. I hope that when I am back in NL, I am able to engage in conversations without fearing what I say or what I ask.

Did I had selective mutism? Probably, or at least partly. As I have been struggling for it and lost many opportunities to it. But I am confident that I am working my way to a more open social communicative self. I will still be introvert, as I love the way I am. I will always put books before bars and pubs. I will always put pictures in a sunny day at the park to watching the latest movie in the theater. I will always put the snowy cold beach with my thoughts before a long warm nap or some gathering. But hopefully, I will also put the interest in other people (which I do have) before my anxiety to saying something wrong.

Hobbies

I am a hobby person. If I am bored, I find quickly what to do. I read, I draw, I write, I learn new recipes, I blog, I crochet, I paint, I stack cards, I learn a language, I do some karaoke sections, I watch documentary or the latest weird indie movie, I watch dramas, I read some more, I go to nap just to imagine up stories in my head, and the latest, I am learning to knit.

And what do I do when I want to learn to knit and yet don't have needles because I never considered using them until now?

I recycle.

I am loving knitting! I wish to someday be able to make my own sweaters. Because I love knitted sweaters, and they are freaking expensive.